This past semester I was really focused on building my relationships and friendships with people. All I did was hang out at other people's houses, drinking, watching T.V., smoking, etc.
I completely lost sight of ME this past semester. I didn't focus on getting good grades or going to the gym and I didn't even go out to dance practice.
This break, I promise to try as hard as I can to work on myself. Mentally and emotionally by learning to love myself and keep my self-esteem up and physically by hitting the treadmill and toning up my body.
I keep losing sight of me. That's going to change. Starting now.
I have made this mistake a few times and you'd think after the first couple I'd learn my lesson and stop...
NOPE. I made the same mistake again, this time it cost me.
I started liking a boy for the first time in a long time. He's cute, he's sweet and he's really funny. So of course, like every other girl in the world, I told my close friends. We all started talking about the details and dissecting every move that the two of you make, trying to answer the ultimate question.
Does he like me too?
To me, deep down inside, I knew for sure. All the signs were there. He was reacting the EXACT same way I was reacting towards him...nervous, anxious, scared.
But of course, everyone had mixed opinions, everyone filled me with doubt. Everyone told me what to do, what not to do, how I look like a fool, how I should just wear my heart on my sleeve, how I should back off.
This drove meinsane.
I couldn't think of anything else. I ate, drank, slept, breathed this stupid question; I had to know the answer.
I couldn't take the insanity anymore. I went up to his roommate and asked him if I should give up on my pursuit. He unfortunately said, yes.
After this I was of course disappointed, I gave up on my pursuit. I stopped talking and thinking about it.
I had regained my sanity.
But I noticed as I cooled off, he started heating up. Everything started falling into place once I stopped consulting other people. I didn't talk to anyone about all of the moves he was making and the texts we were exchanging, not even my best friend. I kept my mouth shut.
I started losing all of my fear and gaining a lot of confidence. Deep down I knew the truth the whole time, I knew the answer to my own question.
He liked me too.
I let so many other people's judgments and opinions get in the way of something that I really wanted. Those people who gave me negative opinions really dragged me down. Fed fuel to the fire of my negativity, insecurity, and insanity. If I had just believed in myself and my own ability to read a situation, everything should have been in place.
Everything now is good. I feel like we both know, we're just too afraid to say it out loud...
I am hoping I am not too late and everything works out perfectly as I imagine when I get back to school. But until something concrete happens, I will keep my mouth shut to the best of my ability.
Why is it that people want to move so fast? We are never content with anything for too long. We always want "more" or "better" than what we have. Nothing is ever good enough.
What we need to remember is that what we imagine to be better, the things we strive for, could be worse.
Sit back, stop and smell the roses.
I definitely need to stop trying to force things to happen. I should let the flow of things happen and if they don't, remember that this is probably for the best!
I'm actually excited about this! Not because it's my birthday or that I'll be getting gifts, attention, and wasted. No, I'm excited because I will finally be able to BUY my own alcohol. I won't have to ask someone to buy it for me.
After drinking for the past 4 years I am finally ready to be able to do it legally, it is LONG overdue.
I am not a big birthday person. My birthday just has never been that big of a deal to me. I don't like being the center of attention because I feel like it's just like any other day.
Weird, right?
I just like being surrounded by those I love and those who care about me.
Another Note
Every special occasion since Dan's accident has been really bitter sweet. This birthday especially was supposed to be significant between us. We would finally be able to drink together, legally.
Last year when the clocked struck midnight on my birthday, I had a break down.
He wasn't going to be there... he wasn't going to be sitting across from me at the dinner table that night.
All of the events that he wasn't going to be there for flashed through my mind and it was just down hill from there.
So, I'm kind of scared to go all out (drinking) on my birthday. I'm afraid I'm just going to become a crazy emotional wreck.
This semester I'm taking class on Freedom of Speech. It just got me really riled up about politics all of a sudden.
Recently, I have been really heated (more so than usually) about politics and my individual views.
In the past week I've been challenged, agreed with, and insulted.
There is one thing about these arguments that piss me off. That one thing is the misconception that I'm trying to call you stupid for what you believe in.
NO. NO. NO.
I'm trying to argue my point and try to make you UNDERSTAND my point of view. I would never call someone stupid because of what they believe in.
Although I may call WHAT you believe in silly, you are entitled to your opinion and so am I.
Case in point.
My friend T provoked by calling me "dang fool" for saying that I'm giving Obama my vote.
If you provoke me about politics, especially call me a FOOL, you are askjng for the argumentative bitch in me to fire all my knowledge at you.
He didn't even give me a chance to properly state my opinions nor did he really take anything I said seriously. Sucks being a girl in these situations....
Either way, I apparently offended him and I really didn't mean to, I was just defending my liberal viewpoint on that topic (welfare). And if he listened to me he would have found out I'm actually more fiscally conservative than liberal.
My Views
I will always be a democrat at heart because I believe it is better for the country as a whole. This way the government won't be able to infringe upon the rights of my gay friends, myself as a woman to choose, and scientists trying to further stem cell research to cure a disease my dad suffers from.
I will say I am more fiscally conservative and do agree with a few issues that they are for. But conservatives tend to be more blind to the view points of the majority because their constituents are mostly the old, the religious, and the rich all of whom are a minority groups.
Yes, it is my fault for coming off very aggressive and abrasive with my viewpoints and I'm trying to just keep them to myself unless provoked. I just really like this stuff! and I like to be taken seriously.
My word of advice to everyone is to do your own research.
Never believe ANYTHING you hear from the news, internet, and even your family. Because they are most likely getting their info from a bias source.
Be informed. Make your own decisions and form your opinions.
Because if you don't you'll just be another follower, a bitch to someone else's ideas.
Everyone says that the nice guy loses and the asshole always gets the girl. I'm pretty sure I've found the conclusion to MY reason.
I get really uncomfortable when guys act like gentlemen towards me. A.k.a opening doors, waiting for me to go first, buying things for me and just....taking care of me in general.
I'm just REALLY not used to it.
I've also realized I'm digging my own grave with this one too. Because I'm not used to being treated like a "lady" I don't react in the stereotypical ladylike manner. All I can say is "thank you" and smile. There is not much of a positive reaction other than that to inform an interested guy that I am also interested.
So here comes the "digging my own grave part".
I am used to being teased, made fun of, and provoked, all of which do not make me uncomfortable that I know exactly how to react to these situations. They get the biggest rise out of me. Whether it be positive or not.
Especially when it's just flirting I react SO much more to teasing and playfulness than I do to "gentlemanlyness". So of course if a guy is into me, he will drop the gentlemanly manners and shoot for all of the above.
I'm still a lady guys! I still want to be treated like one too! Yes, it's my fault. I need to get used to guys wanting to be there for me and be my "man".
But I've been single for so long that I'm stuck in this "independent woman" rut. I'm so used to taking care of myself and others (before me) that I forget that other people are genuinely nice.
Cynical, I know.
Well men of the word (one in particular, hehe) your teasing and all is appreciated and very fun but please keep your sweet, gentle, chivalrous side with you at all times.
I've never really set goals throughout college but this year I have a few. Grades
I have never done it before. I have gotten VERY close but it's never happened to me.
What is it that I have never done?
I've NEVER gotten straight A's.
I really want to get it this semester and next semester so I can graduate with honors. My GPA is hanging on a 3.495. What do I need, to graduate with that beautiful golden cord wrapped around my neck? a 3.5!
.005 is standing in my way of graduating with a cum laude.
I am failing HARD at not procrastinating, but hey, I do much better procrastinating than I do starting ahead. At least....I think I do? I'm playing off of D's motivation this semester to do well and it's working. I've been getting better at this "getting work done ahead of time" thing that crazy people do.
Luckily my classes this semester do not seem ridiculously hard. I just need to put my mind and effort into it because I never really did before hand.
Boys
This is an interesting subject for me. That's only because I am so conflicted with what I want.
The rational side of me tells me I don't want to be in a relationship my senior year. Boys should not be my priority, I have plenty of time for them later after I graduate.
The girly irrational side of me tells me to jump on the boy bandwagon and hook line a sinker one ASAP.
All I know is, this year I will be keeping my mouth SHUT. Telling people about guys I like and what I am doing with them has gotten me in trouble in the past.
From this point on I refuse to say anything about boys to anyone until I for certain things are getting pretty serious. If not, I will zip my lips shut TIGHT.
I think I will always be conflicted between finding someone and seeing them as "getting in the way". Boys in the past for me have been nothing but trouble and a waste of my precious time.
I am hoping one (in the near future) comes along that will be perfect for me.
Maybe that's too much to ask?
Eh. Whatever! Ultimately
In the end, I just want to have a good year. A year with no drama, heartbreak and grades I'm not satisfied with.
Hopefully all of these new beginnings will catapult me through it with ease and lots of fun!
It has been really good so far. A major change of pace and I'm really enjoying it.
So, let the liquor keep flowing and the good times rolling!
How is it that the people you care about the most, can make you feel the worst?
How can just hearing from one person make you feel so bad? Your body just starts to physically remember all of the emotions and pain he made you feel.
It comes flooding back...
Completely down.
That's the best way to explain it. You feel worthless. Lonely. Have absolutely no confidence in yourself. It starts to affect your mood, the way you treat others. Dependent. That one person is the only person who can bring you up. That one person who caused you so much pain.
How can they still affect you? How can you still be so weak?
It's stupid, but it's the way you feel. Maybe it will always be that way or maybe one day it won't.
Maybe, I thought after this long it wouldn't affect me....
*Note: this was written early in the summer, that person doesn't affect me this way anymore, thankfully
I have been at school for almost a two weeks and I am loving it!
I guess the fourth time is the charm. The initial dread of coming back to school quickly wore off as I got into the swing of things. Hanging out with friends and drinking mostly added to my absolute delight of being back.
Maybe it's because of the awesome new town house!
Every other year when I got back to school, I would be hit with a small wave of depression. I was never satisfied with the social aspects of my life or with the direction of it. School I guess just kept making me see everything I didn't have, every unrealistic expectation I had of "college life" that I wasn't accomplishing.
Self Change
This year is much different. I walked away from summer being VERY self-confident. In all honesty, I just started not giving a shit.
I used to be very self-conscious. Not necessarily about the way I looked, like most girls my age, but about how people perceived me. I just wanted to be liked....I think.Whatever it was it always held me back from acting completely like myself and even from saying certain things. I would always calculate the things I did, before I did them, without even realizing it.
I am much much MUCH happier now being free of that restraint. If people don't like/love me for the way I am, they can eat my shorts!
I'm sitting at Panera rewriting my resume, realizing that I barely remember what I did the summer of '10 and '11. This is kinda, really, sorta, bad...
How do you write the perfect resume? How do you know exactly what your future employers are looking for? Honestly, you really can't know.
My university offers a "Resume Workshop" about once a month and I'm not sure if I trust it, what if they have NO idea what they are doing? How can they really? Every company, employer, interviewer, is looking for something different, it all depends on the context of the situation and even that person's mood at that very moment.
So when is doubt what should you do? Google it!
Best advice I found online:
You are selling yourself to your employer - give them a reason to want to buy you over everyone else!
Wording:
use action words - "coordinated" sounds much better than "did" or "set up"
companies now have search engines that look for words in your resume - use the right ones!
add numbers to your accomplishments - instead of saying "helped process new employees" say that you "helped process 15 new employees" makes it more concrete (unless the number is very low)
Avoid using pronouns - "I" and "Me" etc. they don't like it
use PAST tense when talking about the past. duh!
Formatting:
Be short - try to get everything onto one page - but DON'T make it too word heavy
have the main parts - contact info, relevant work experience, education, skills, objective
use bullets - they don't want to read paragraphs
use effective titles, don't be boring
Other Helpful Tips:
make your resume stand out - people look at your resumes for ably 5-20 seconds or if your lucky a few minutes
formats matter - don't copy one straight offline (everyone is) pick a few you like and take aspects of each
make sure it looks professional or whatever vibe you are trying to convey
create a generic resume and tailor it according to each job posting
DO NOT LIE
All in all this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Hopefully this kick-ass resume will get me a few interviews. Which leads me to another road block, interview questions...
It is a place for relaxation, deep thinking, belting out your favorite song and geting squeaky clean.
That is, until you throw in a member of the opposite sex.
I have had the opportunity to experience a few co-ed showers, my partner always seemed to want to get a little frisky. After a bit of "research", which mostly consisted of intense girl talk, I learned I was not alone. Girls and guys everywhere were making their showers a little steamier.
And hey, what girl doesn't like to get a little attention form her man? I know I love it!
Except for shower. It's not for me.
More power to you, if you and your man are getting a little dirty before you get clean. There are a lot of perks to getting dirty in the shower! I mean you're already naked and in close proximity, that's half the battle.
For me, the shower is a hazard. A small, enclosed, slippery space is not a good environment for me to be getting frisky. With my luck I will fall, trip, slip, or break something which will probably lead me to break something of his.
The hot water hitting my body is more than enough pleasure, sorry babe, but your services are not needed here. Trust me, this is for your own good! Plus, it is safe to say in this threesome, the shower would win and you'd be the one feeling shut out. I appreciate the ego boost though!
Luckily, I'm single, so there is no love triangle between me, the shower, and a gorgeous man. I get to enjoy the hot water by myself as I give the shampoo bottles a mini concert in the nude!
# 2 and #8 never really happened - everything else seems like common sense!
My internship is OVER! I spend 12 long weeks working full time at a small federal government agency this summer. It is my third and last summer working here and it is safe to say, I have learned a LOT.
Things I have learned:
1. The federal government and old people are slow. VERY slow. Enough said.
2. Every office has it's own culture. Learn it. Love it. Embrace it.
What I mean by that is, every organization and divisions within that organization have certain ways of doing things.
Some collaborate together, others work by themselves on everything. Some divisions are more casual when they interact, others are very formal and never break their "professional" facade.
So learn the way your people in your division work and be adaptable to it!
3. Know who to be friends with - Network
Your direct supervisor is not the only person you should get to like you!
Support people- very important to you, they can get you what you need and if you know them personally, they can get it to you faster. This includes IT people, secretaries/administrative people, custodial staff, mail room people, etc.
higher ups - many people won't get the opportunity, but I was fortunate enough to be able to meet many. I was even more fortunate to be able to be noticed by and get close to one of them. These connections will not only provide you with awesome recommendations but connections.
How to: Talk to people, get to know them! People love talking about their kids and grandchildren. You may not have any but ask about theirs', show that you care. Ask what they are doing or inquire about their weekend, people love talking about themselves in general.
Just be genuine and nice to everyone! You never know who can help you out in the office.
4. Work. Work Work.
Do things fast and efficiently! Do it WELL!
Be adaptable - do any task assigned to you even if it's not in your job descriptions. As an intern you have to pay your dues.. I know in my first internship I made coffee, in my second shredded 30 bags of paper, and in my third indexed over a thousand files.
Show initiative - even if you have down time ask around and see if anyone has work or something to take off their hands. It will get you noticed!
Be positive - no matter how much you hate your boss or what you are doing - do NOT show it in the office. A positive attitude will take you far, keep you positive and even get you noticed.
Look busy, even if you arn't - always try and seem like you are doing something. As an intern you will find a LOT of down time, try and act like you are typing something on the computer or look focused on the screen.
Set an everyday goal - have an objective to finish a certain amount of work everyday. Keep it high enough that it is an achievement but low enough that you can actually accomplish it.
5. Dress to Impress.
I received a good piece of advice while at a career training during my internship:
"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have."
A nice nice clean cut wardrobe goes a long way. You may not think it but if there is one thing I have learned in my major (Communication Studies) it is that you are always communicating.
Look clean and sharp. By dressing for the job you want, you are communicated/giving off the impression that you are serious, you want to go places.
Accomplishments:
I have also received a few awards. My second summer I was awarded with two "On the Spot" awards cash cards for my hard work with the HR department.
This summer, I could smell the award coming my way. But I never thought I would receive an award so large! I received a "Manager's Level Award" which came with a beautiful certificate and monetary award $$$.
The biggest thing I have taken from this internship is confidence in myself as a career woman. People were always complimenting me and telling me what a great job I was doing and how much they appreciated my help!
I now know that as long as I work hard at what I do, I can make something of myself and go far.
Sorry in advance for the crappy video, VEVO won't let me embed the original MV to blogger.
I love this song, the lyrics especially tell the story of the vicious cycle of love.
Vicious Cycle.
Love can cause a vicious cycle of pain.
One b*tch scorned by a past love hurts a nice guy, that nice guy becomes a player, who uses and hurts numerous other innocent girls, who will go out and cause even more nice guys pain.
The cycle will never end, unless love ceases to exist.
Understand. There's always a reason.
So, before you go and blame the "player" who left you after a one night stand or the "slut" who slept with your best friend, for your pain, be a little more understanding. There is always a reason for people's actions.
That "player" could have had his heart crushed by his first love, closing off his heart to women and just using them for sex saying love doesn't exist.
That "slut" could have a Father who left her when she was little, leaving her with permanent trust issues and insecurities, thinking a man will only love her if she sleeps with him.
There is always a reason behind why someone is, way they are.
Judgement.
Don't get me wrong, all of these reasons are understandable but most are not excusable. I'm just saying you should not judge someone or think they are a bad person because of what they have done.
Yes, they should not have done it, but there is usually a legitimate reason.
We all do things because of love. Things that we said we would never do. Things that we never even thought we were capable of.
One example is cheating. Everyone says it is something they would never do, but so many have done it, do it, or will.
I know I did something that I never thought I would do. Although I didn't cheat, I left my ex-boyfriend for someone else. My ex was perfect on paper, everything a girl could ask for, but I left him for someone else, someone who I knew was unhealthy, someone who I knew would never last.
Baggage and Insecurity.
This vicious cycle also creates baggage, which breeds insecurity that people bring into their new relationships or prevent the relationship from happening.
This is why things like "rebounds" happen. Why girls seem "crazy" to guys. Jealousy and paranoia overtake the relationship. Someone pushes the other away. A wall is built up around your heart.
All of these things just makes it harder for the next person. Hinder the new relationship from suceeding.
"change the pace and we'll just go slow"
Who knows where the vicious cycle started, we could try to track it back or we could try and take more responsibility.
We can be stronger and more secure. We can be more mindful of our actions. We can stop judging other people by being more understanding. We can do so many things to stop hurting the people we love.
We can slowly lessen the viciousness of the cycle. Pain is inevitable sometimes but we can lessen the blow.
Love is a very powerful thing. It can make us stronger, weaker, and stupid.
So, let's do our best to take care of the people we love.
Everyday, I support a BIG rack, 36 D if you were wondering. My cleavage has been a BIG part of my life since their titanic appearance my sophomore year of high school.
I often get the question, "where did they come from?!"
My answer: I have NO idea.
As an Asian girl, who are stereotypically flat chested, my lovely lady lumps are an enigma. Most people say I am very blessed to be so "well endowed" but I beg to differ. This is one of those "grass is greener on the other side" things for me.
Dressing them.
This has always been my biggest complaint about my lady lumps. Clothes are not made for women with a chest my size, they are normally tailored to fit women with a B or C cup size.
While shopping at probably every college girl's go to store, Forever 21, I usually grab a shirt I like in two sizes a Medium and a Large.
In my usually fashion, I slowly get attached to an edgy shirt or two as I walk into the dressing room. Throwing off my old shirt, I put on the Medium first, it fits perfectly in the waist but my boobs are popping out for all eyes to see. Feeling frustrated, I try on the Large which fits perfectly on my chest but makes me look like a huge box overall.
My lady lumps make clothes fit and look differently than they were meant to.
Imagine trying on 10 shirts that look amazing on the hanger but walking out of the dressing room with nothing. Not because the color wasn't right or you can't afford it or you already have ten things like it, but because your chest expands the fabric in a way that makes the shirt look completely unflattering.
I know every body type has it's own difficulty when it comes to getting dressed, mine just seems...bigger.
Attention.
Okay, having a nice rack has it's perks!
Attention from some attractive guys is definitely one of them. I have never really understood the appeal of breasts but if I can use them to my advantage, why not?! Whether to get things or get out of things, I'll roll with it.
But there is a fine line between attention I want and enjoy vs. just plain creepy. I have had guys blatantly stare at my chest, hug me for a little longer than is socially acceptable, and try to catch a quick glance while they think I'm not looking. I can see you buddy!
The worst is when they are old enough to be my Father. That is just plain gross. How would you feel if someone your age was ogling YOUR daughter?
It is also something that you do not like to be known for. When you are around a group of friends, there is never a day when they are not mentioned. It can very old, no matter how positive the comment.
Other.
Having large lady lumps also means, more surface area to be sore. And not just more surface area but more distance to cover when bouncing, increasing my pain. These things are can not be easily restrained!
As a professional klutz, who has a love-hate relationship with gravity, my lady lumps add another two appendages I have to make sure do not knock into something.
And they love to get in my way.
Okay, okay, I shouldn't complain. Millions of women have and millions more will pay thousands of dollars to implant what I was born with.
I just have to learn to love and work with what I have been given. But like I said, the grass is greener on the other side. You'll always want what you can't have!
As you work with someone, a bond is formed, it can spring up from a mutual hatred of a boss, mutual understanding of an intensive workload, or just having neighboring cubicles.
Interning at a small government agency has exposed me to an array of co-workers ranging from the hilarious, to the intellectual, to the complainers, to the plain weird.
Although I feel like I have been blessed with this amazing cast of characters, I could never see my self being friends with any of them outside of the work world.
I equate my co-workers to a plain flat that "will do" but nothing compared to my real friends, sky high stiletto pumps that will triple my confidence.
Okay, slightly harsh, but I consider the relationship with my co-workers a convenience friendship. If you stripped away my work bubble, I am left with a bunch of people I have nothing in common with anymore.
Most of my co-workers have kids, even MORE have grandchildren, who I love hearing about but not as the only topic of conversation we have.
This is probably wishful thinking but I hope my new "big girl job" is filled with eye-candy and very chill girls.
Daniel Henney
Work Spouse.
Definition: is a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, having bonds similar to those of a marriage; such as confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness. The work spouse is a potentially key relation ship when one's actually significant other is not able to be there.
According to this definition, I am possibly the "work wife" of 2-3 of my male co-workers, even though I do not consider any them my "work husband". They often visit my cube whenever they are in need of a break or just passing by, looking for a quick chat or in depth conversation.
This relationship is in no way sexual or inappropriate, it's a break from the mundane tasks we have set out for us daily. A quick kick back to the more exciting side of life! It's also easier for the work spouse to understand complaints and happenings within the work bubble because of their first hand experience.
I know one of my co-workers, B comes to me to complain or take some of the burden off his shoulders. I think it's actually really healthy for him to unload his frustrations to me at work, rather than bring all of the negativity home to his family. And if we can share a laugh or two along the way, why not?
I haven't found my perfect work husband yet, but I hope he looks like Daniel Henney up there!
For more info on work spouses, check out the wiki article here.
Essie nail polish has to be one of my most favorite beauty products EVER!
It's a bit pricey at $8 a bottle but totally worth it.
You can achieve at least 40-50 perfect salon quality manicures with just ONE bottle of Essie. With the perfect coating, they can last up to two weeks without chipping, which is critical to a chip prone, nail abuser like me.
The thin and milky consistency of the polish makes it feel like I'm adding another layer to my nail rather than a thick coat of paint. The Essie brush is the perfect shape and size to create a seamless French manicure or coat your nail with great accuracy. The bottle is very cute and simple, it is what first drew me to Essie.
Not only is the quality of Essie top-notch but their variety of color choices are all elegant and classy. The color variety makes a statements while still being appropriate for work and appropriate for all ages.
I would suggest Essie to anyone who has an extra buck to invest in at least one bottle. You can immediately tell the quality difference between it and it's cheaper competitors!
With these little clues, I painted a picture of him in my mind before the meeting. My mental image consisted of a very quiet and reserved personality, who is not the biggest social butterfly, which students from their college are notorious for.
Ringing the doorbell my Mom enters the house first. I head down the hallway and I see him, I extend my hand and introduce myself. His name is Henry, thankfully nothing like my dream. As the night drags on, I find out he is exactly what I expected. He is a good looking, short, small Korean boy, typical. But when I say small I mean small, he stands at probably 5’6” or 7”, my build would beat his size any day.
He is quiet and reserved just as I predicted, but very nice, I think he’ll be the type of guy who will treat my cousin the way she deserves to be treated.
My Dad’s side of the family is notorious for being almost genius level smart (what happened to me?), so much so it hinders their social ability to a certain extent. The night was filled with many awkward pauses, questions, and statements whenever the adults were involved.
I am excited to have someone else,who is slightly more normal, join the family, even though his excitement probably does not even come close to matching mine!
Even though I’m writing about it, it is ridiculously hard to believe, surreal even, to think that my cousin will be MARRIED. I don’t think I will be able to grasp that concept for a long time. Hopefully the wedding, which I’m really excited for, will help it sink in….
Side Note: I found out they will be providing an open bar at their wedding, not just wine as I was previously informed, I think my excitement level just went through the roof.
And that is an understatement. Not only do I love the way it looks, the elegance, the feminine allure, I also love hiding behind it. It is by far the biggest security blanket I use to protect and literally shield myself from my own negative self image.
I am my own worst critic, hater, judge, and enemy.
Insecurities will always plague me. When I used to look in the mirror, I hated what I saw. Everything was too big. GIGANTIC. ENORMOUS. HUGE.
I used my hair to cover up everything I didn't like. Placing it over my body made me feel good, feel safe.
It's just so comfortable having my long hair with me. So comfortable, that I have never been satisfied with a haircut, no matter how little they cut. My hair has been enabling me, it has been letting my negative body image win, to survive.
After a long discussion with my best friends last night, filled with excitement and anxiety, numerous googled pictures of "a-line haircuts", I think I'm ready for a change. Scared sh*tless but ready.
This is not just a haircut.
This will be the first step long stride towards shedding my insecurities. Learning to love myself, long hair or not.
If you asked me this question 1 year and 4 months ago, there would be a simple automatic answer.
Yes, I have an older brother.
But today, I was asked that very question, do you have any siblings? A jolt of anxiety hit and raced across my body as I processed it. About a thousand answers flashed in and out of my mind. I settled for “it’s a long story” as I completely redirected the conversation trying to shake the uneasy feeling that was still lingering.
The answer was vague enough that it didn’t become awkward (other than the long pause) but enough that I would not be pressed for any more answers. I sat there wondering, if I said the truth bluntly, what would their reaction be…
What if, instead I said, “I had a brother. He died in an accident a little over a year ago”.
Thinking back, I’ve actually never used it as an answer to that question. But I can imagine the awkward tension that would fill the air, the unwanted pity that would be thrown in my direction, and the fake empathy I would see them experience.
Maybe, Sometimes?
The average person never really notices how often they get asked this question. I know I’ve been asked a least 6 times since the accident. The last four I can recall vividly as if it just happened.
All of them in the same pattern: Question. Pause. Answer. Avoid.
“No” is my most frequent answer, it is simple and still the truth. Sometimes just lying and saying “yes” is the easiest way. Both of these answers can cause me even more trouble.
It’s a work in progress. I don’t think I’ll ever find the perfect answer, maybe it doesn’t even exist.
All I know is the truth is the hardest thing to admit.
The best in the WORLD, not many can say that they truly earned the title.
Tuesday, the US women’s gymnastics team earned the right by taking Olympic gold in the all-around team final. As I watched these girls, who are all in their teens, I could not help but feel unaccomplished in comparison. The girls all worked their butts off, day in and day out, to make their dream a reality.
What have I done? Nothing that millions of other people have not already accomplished.
Goals and Dreams.
My friends and I have unrealistic lofty goals when it comes to what we want to be “when we grow up”.
At the moment I would love to be the owner of a successful communications consulting firm or be a high profile attorney. In my circle of best friends:
- D wants to be a physician’s assistant.
- S wants to be biomedical engineer.
- L wants to be a psychologist and own her own private practice.
- P wants to be an NGO for the United Nations
All of these career fields are ridiculously competitive and require a lot of hard work. All of us will need to make huge sacrifices in order to just BE what we want to be, let alone considered successful.
But at the rate we are going, I don’t think any of us will ever see the idealistic life we picture for ourselves right now. This is especially true for me. Like most people I have talked to, I am completely lacking in motivation. I have not touched an LSAT booked, I don’t even have a legible resume, all I have been doing is bumming around wasting valuable time.
It makes me think: if this is REALLY what we wanted to do, why don’t we work harder for it? Shouldn't I be doing everything I can, to get to where I want to be?
Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.
The only time I truly feel motivated to do work is when I feel guilty or scared.
Both of these “motivators” are just short bursts of anxiety that tell me, I need to get off my ass. They never last long, a week at the most and even that is a stretch!
Gabby Douglas is a raising star on the US women’s gymnastics team. She had been doing gymnastics since she was little, it was her passion. She never really dreamed of going to the Olympics until she watched Shawn Johnson in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, dominate.
Safe to say, she was truly inspired. At the age of 12, she picked up her bags and moved from Virginia Beach to Iowa to train under Shawn Johnson’s world renowned coach.
Gabby went by HERSELF. At 12 she knew she wanted to be an Olympic gymnast, nothing was going to get in her way.
And nothing did...
Gabby was not motivated by fear or by guilt. She saw someone great accomplish something very few people have. She was awestruck, she was INSPRIED.
I truly believe that inspiration with a sprinkle of passion is one of the biggest motivators out there. Something or someone out there sparks a fire into you that cannot be put out, that will just grow stronger until you accomplish what you set out to do.
One Day.
Unfortunately I haven’t had a strike of inspiration, I’m still looking.
So wanting to be a lawyer or own a consulting firm, or even just wanting to be “successful” may only be what society is influencing me to want. It may just be a nice thought, a passing vision of what I want my life to be, not truly my goal. Because if it was exactly what I wanted, I would stop at nothing to achieve it.
But no matter what, I know what I am capable of and how far I can go. I refuse to ever feel disappointed in myself.
So you may not remember me now, but one day you’ll know my name.
This is the first and only entry from a blog I created the summer before freshman year!
Totally forgot I even wrote it. Man, the embarrassing things you say when you're 17.
"Do NOT and they mean it, DO NOT room with you best friend"
Yeah, we did it. L and I were roommates freshman year on the 5th floor Eagle Hall. This "dorm", I use that term loosely, was old and crusty. Luckily we decorated our walls with yummy GQ men and an obscenely large poster of David Beckham shirtless. Drool worthy.
All in all, I am very happy we roomed together. We only ran into a....minor set back but other than that, I had a BLAST my freshman year, especially with D living right downstairs!
Two infamously horrible events will be forever ingrained into my memories. Fire Alarms. Purple flip-slop falls.
"Ditch the high school sweetheart because even though you believe it will last forever, it won't."
I didn't have a high school sweetheart, but my friends did.
D & Ivan: broken up - I think we all saw this coming
L & Bhansali: trying to be JUST friends - saw this coming after that year
P and Susu: together - unsure about these two freshman year
"Dating. Boys. I don't really have a PhD. in the field."
Obviously, I was boy CRAZY or borderline obsessed! I was 17 give me a break!
But back then, I probably had a pre-school education about what boys wanted and what I wanted from boys. I'm talking about, just learning the ABC's and 123's of the dating world.
That year for me and boys was a ginormous FLOP. I was happy with the attention I was getting at the time but I put more importance on quantity over quality. I feel like I was trying WAY too hard, acting like someone I wasn't, that or I reeked of desperationstupidityfreshman meat immaturity. But little did I know, the next summer I would meet my ex-boyfriend.
Boys have taught me a lot about dating, life, growing up, and most importantly, myself. Now I can say I kinda, sorta, maybe? have a nice grasp on the opposite sex. No more Google-ing "college dating tips" for me! I'm at a HIGH SCHOOL level and proud.
There is nothing hotter, sexier, or more mouthwatering, than a full sleeve tattoo on a BAD boy.
The gym I
had been going to for the past two months is loaded with hot guys. I was
pleasantly surprised with the surplus of eye candy that surrounded me. I’m
talking, almost every guy around my age being at least a 7.5/8
on a 10 point scale. Talk about major motivation!
I noticed
one guy in particular, Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, who worked out around the
same time I did every day. Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome has an amazing full
sleeve, tribal tattoo flowing down his right arm. This guy was gorgeous already,
but the added tattoo was enough to make me want to jump him.
I don’t
know what it is about a full sleeve tattoo that is so attractive.
It may be
the hidden meaning and mystery that peaks my interest. Maybe it's my love of
art? Maybe it’s the fact that it adds to theirBAD ass persona? Which
ever way, I’m not complaining!
Bad boys will always
have myFULLpermission to tat it up!
Lezitimate
This is how my 52 year old mother pronounces, legitimate. "Lezit, am I saying it right? Lezit? man, why is it so hard?" She asks as she laughs it off. I usually find this really amusing, until it starts to rub off on me.
Salmon was on the menu for lunch today. To most Americans, Salmon is pronounced "Sam-in" but to my Korean parents, it is pronounced how it is spelled, "Sal-mon".
After hearing this repeatedly I can NOT stop myself from pronouncing it incorrectly!
Chantilly is another one. It is correctly pronounced "Shan-tilly", not that my parents can't pronounce it, this is purely habit. We like to pronounce it Chan-tilly, with a very harsh "CH" sound. I mean it's reading 101, a C and H together makes a "CH" sound!
Anyway, I already know, I will forever pronounce these words incorrectly, so thanks Mom and Dad!
Accents.
I remember Laya asking me, "Do my parent's have an accent?"
Even if your parents have an accent, you never really seem to hear it. I am so used to hearing my parent's English it sounds perfectly normal to me. That is until, I hear them speak around other people or consciously try to notice it. The context shift suddenly makes me aware of the subtle Korean accent they have. It's a very rare occasion so it is really weird to hear.
Don't get me wrong, my parent's English is far from imperfect or broken, they have been here since they were in high school. But I wonder how much it has affected my English and grammar over my childhood. I know my grammar and spelling are atrocious, but I'm pretty sure that is because I didn't pay much attention in elementary school!
My Dad thinks it puts me at a disadvantage compared to English speaking (white) households. He thinks because I wasn't exposed to English as readily as other children my grammar and even my pronunciation will never be completely perfect, even with practice.
My Dad also jokes every time I try to correct his English by saying in a fake thick accent "hey, I am a FOB, no speak English!" laughing as he raises his hands in defeat.
If only the world had ONE language, then he would have no excuse!
In two weeks, I will be done with work. In another two weeks, I will be back at JMU for my senior year. SENIOR YEAR.
It is the last year I have to cling on to until I am flung into the “real world”. When people can officially call me an adult, even though I know they will still treat me like a child.
I want to use this blog as a place to chronicle my thoughts, adventures, values, and beliefs, to look back on, in the future. This is mostly because I can barely remember what happened yesterday, let alone a whole year.
Candid. Candid. Candid. I hope this blog will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. All the inner thoughts I have and also the ones I probably voice frequently, will be written down exactly the way I think them! A rare insight into my inner amusement park, what others might call a “brain” :)
To my future self and whoever would like to read, enjoy!
