Intersection: My Brithday

I'm turning 21 on Monday!

I'm actually excited about this! Not because it's my birthday or that I'll be getting gifts, attention, and wasted. No, I'm excited because I will finally be able to BUY my own alcohol. I won't have to ask someone to buy it for me.

After drinking for the past 4 years I am finally ready to be able to do it legally, it is LONG overdue.

I am not a big birthday person. My birthday just has never been that big of a deal to me. I don't like being the center of attention because I feel like it's just like any other day.

Weird, right?

I just like being surrounded by those I love and those who care about me.

Another Note

Every special occasion since Dan's accident has been really bitter sweet. This birthday especially was supposed to be significant between us. We would finally be able to drink together, legally.

Last year when the clocked struck midnight on my birthday, I had a break down.

He wasn't going to be there... he wasn't going to be sitting across from me at the dinner table that night.

All of the events that he wasn't going to be there for flashed through my mind and it was just down hill from there.

So, I'm kind of scared to go all out (drinking) on my birthday. I'm afraid I'm just going to become a crazy emotional wreck.

I guess we'll see...

Road Block: Arguments and politics

This semester I'm taking class on Freedom of Speech. It just got me really riled up about politics all of a sudden.

Recently, I have been really heated (more so than usually) about politics and my individual views.

In the past week I've been challenged, agreed with, and insulted.

There is one thing about these arguments that piss me off. That one thing is the misconception that I'm trying to call you stupid for what you believe in.

NO. NO. NO.

I'm trying to argue my point and try to make you UNDERSTAND my point of view. I would never call someone stupid because of what they believe in.

Although I may call WHAT you believe in silly, you are entitled to your opinion and so am I.

Case in point.

My friend T provoked by calling me "dang fool" for saying that I'm giving Obama my vote.

If you provoke me about politics, especially call me a FOOL, you are askjng for the argumentative bitch in me to fire all my knowledge at you.

He didn't even give me a chance to properly state my opinions nor did he really take anything I said seriously. Sucks being a girl in these situations....

Either way, I apparently offended him and I really didn't mean to, I was just defending my liberal viewpoint on that topic (welfare). And if he listened to me he would have found out I'm actually more fiscally conservative than liberal.

My Views

I will always be a democrat at heart because I believe it is better for the country as a whole. This way the government won't be able to infringe upon the rights of my gay friends, myself as a woman to choose, and scientists trying to further stem cell research to cure a disease my dad suffers from.

I will say I am more fiscally conservative and do agree with a few issues that they are for. But conservatives tend to be more blind to the view points of the majority because their constituents are mostly the old, the religious, and the rich all of whom are a minority groups.

Yes, it is my fault for coming off very aggressive and abrasive with my viewpoints and I'm trying to just keep them to myself unless provoked. I just really like this stuff! and I like to be taken seriously.

My word of advice to everyone is to do your own research.

Never believe ANYTHING you hear from the news, internet, and even your family. Because they are most likely getting their info from a bias source.

Be informed. Make your own decisions and form your opinions.

Because if you don't you'll just be another follower, a bitch to someone else's ideas.

Love Road Block: Liking Jerks?

Cute Video by WongFu Productions

Everyone says that the nice guy loses and the asshole always gets the girl. I'm pretty sure I've found the conclusion to MY reason.

I get really uncomfortable when guys act like gentlemen towards me. A.k.a opening doors, waiting for me to go first, buying things for me and just....taking care of me in general.

I'm just REALLY not used to it.

I've also realized I'm digging my own grave with this one too. Because I'm not used to being treated like a "lady" I don't react in the stereotypical ladylike manner. All I can say is "thank you" and smile. There is not much of a positive reaction other than that to inform an interested guy that I am also interested.

So here comes the "digging my own grave part".

I am used to being teased, made fun of, and provoked, all of which do not make me uncomfortable that I know exactly how to react to these situations. They get the biggest rise out of me. Whether it be positive or not.

Especially when it's just flirting I react SO much more to teasing and playfulness than I do to "gentlemanlyness". So of course if a guy is into me, he will drop the gentlemanly manners and shoot for all of the above.

I'm still a lady guys! I still want to be treated like one too! Yes, it's my fault. I need to get used to guys wanting to be there for me and be my "man".

But I've been single for so long that I'm stuck in this "independent woman" rut. I'm so used to taking care of myself and others (before me) that I forget that other people are genuinely nice.

Cynical, I know.

Well men of the word (one in particular, hehe) your teasing and all is appreciated and very fun but please keep your sweet, gentle, chivalrous side with you at all times.

Green Light: Fall Semester Goals

I've never really set goals throughout college but this year I have a few.

Grades

I have never done it before. I have gotten VERY close but it's never happened to me.

What is it that I have never done?

I've NEVER gotten straight A's.

I really want to get it this semester and next semester so I can graduate with honors. My GPA is hanging on a 3.495. What do I need, to graduate with that beautiful golden cord wrapped around my neck? a 3.5!

.005 is standing in my way of graduating with a cum laude.

I am failing HARD at not procrastinating, but hey, I do much better procrastinating than I do starting ahead. At least....I think I do? I'm playing off of D's motivation this semester to do well and it's working. I've been getting better at this "getting work done ahead of time" thing that crazy people do.

Luckily my classes this semester do not seem ridiculously hard. I just need to put my mind and effort into it because I never really did before hand.

Boys

This is an interesting subject for me. That's only because I am so conflicted with what I want.

The rational side of me tells me I don't want to be in a relationship my senior year. Boys should not be my priority, I have plenty of time for them later after I graduate.

The girly irrational side of me tells me to jump on the boy bandwagon and hook line a sinker one ASAP.

All I know is, this year I will be keeping my mouth SHUT. Telling people about guys I like and what I am doing with them has gotten me in trouble in the past.

From this point on I refuse to say anything about boys to anyone until I for certain things are getting pretty serious. If not, I will zip my lips shut TIGHT.

I think I will always be conflicted between finding someone and seeing them as "getting in the way". Boys in the past for me have been nothing but trouble and a waste of my precious time.

I am hoping one (in the near future) comes along that will be perfect for me.

Maybe that's too much to ask? 

Eh. Whatever!

Ultimately

In the end, I just want to have a good year. A year with no drama, heartbreak and grades I'm not satisfied with.

Hopefully all of these new beginnings will catapult me through it with ease and lots of fun!

It has been really good so far. A major change of pace and I'm really enjoying it.

So, let the liquor keep flowing and the good times rolling!

Love Road Block: That Sh*tty Feeling

 

How is it that the people you care about the most, can make you feel the worst?

How can just hearing from one person make you feel so bad? Your body just starts to physically remember all of the emotions and pain he made you feel.

It comes flooding back...

Completely down.

That's the best way to explain it. You feel worthless. Lonely. Have absolutely no confidence in yourself.  It starts to affect your mood, the way you treat others.

Dependent. That one person is the only person who can bring you up. That one person who caused you so much pain.

How can they still affect you? How can you still be so weak?

It's stupid, but it's the way you feel. Maybe it will always be that way or maybe one day it won't.

Maybe, I thought after this long it wouldn't affect me....

*Note: this was written early in the summer, that person doesn't affect me this way anymore, thankfully 

Green Light: A New School Year

my new room

And she's back!

I have been at school for almost a two weeks and I am loving it!

I guess the fourth time is the charm. The initial dread of coming back to school quickly wore off as I got into the swing of things. Hanging out with friends and drinking mostly added to my absolute delight of being back.

Maybe it's because of the awesome new town house!

Every other year when I got back to school, I would be hit with a small wave of depression. I was never satisfied with the social aspects of my life or with the direction of it. School I guess just kept making me see everything I didn't have, every unrealistic expectation I had of "college life" that I wasn't accomplishing.

Self Change

This year is much different. I walked away from summer being VERY self-confident. In all honesty, I just started not giving a shit.

I used to be very self-conscious. Not necessarily about the way I looked, like most girls my age, but about how people perceived me. I just wanted to be liked....I think.Whatever it was it always held me back from acting completely like myself and even from saying certain things. I would always calculate the things I did,  before I did them, without even realizing it.

I am much much MUCH happier now being free of that restraint. If people don't like/love me for the way I am, they can eat my shorts!