Thursday, February 28, 2013

Intersection: Am I deserving?


Yesterday, my friends and I were watching Cruel Intentions and I couldn't help but notice the similarities between Ryan Philipe's character and myself.

Okay, I may not be sick and twisted teenager who manipulates people for amusement but I do feel undeserving of others peoples' kindness, affection, and even love.

It actually makes me uncomfortable at times. 

I mentioned in a previous post that boys acting like gentleman makes me uncomfortable but acting like a jerk makes me feel completely at ease. I'm pretty sure this is not how it's supposed to work.

I feel like I do not have the right to be swept off my feet. I don't feel like I am worth any effort. I'm just not that great of a catch. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew.

Maybe it's the fact that no boy ever has. It can also be because I feel like I don't deserve it, I end up pushing  it away.

Maybe it stems from my fear of being happy. I get terrified when things start to go really well in my life. I think I sabotage myself before life gets the chance to screw it up even more.

It's a silly thing to be a afraid of, and an even sillier thing to sabotage my own happiness because of it. But it's a battle that I'm sure I'll be fighting my whole life.

Hopefully I can win this one. 

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