Intersection: Am I deserving?

Yesterday, my friends and I were watching Cruel Intentions and I couldn't help but notice the similarities between Ryan Philipe's character and myself.

Okay, I may not be sick and twisted teenager who manipulates people for amusement but I do feel undeserving of others peoples' kindness, affection, and even love.

It actually makes me uncomfortable at times. 

I mentioned in a previous post that boys acting like gentleman makes me uncomfortable but acting like a jerk makes me feel completely at ease. I'm pretty sure this is not how it's supposed to work.

I feel like I do not have the right to be swept off my feet. I don't feel like I am worth any effort. I'm just not that great of a catch. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew.

Maybe it's the fact that no boy ever has. It can also be because I feel like I don't deserve it, I end up pushing  it away.

Maybe it stems from my fear of being happy. I get terrified when things start to go really well in my life. I think I sabotage myself before life gets the chance to screw it up even more.

It's a silly thing to be a afraid of, and an even sillier thing to sabotage my own happiness because of it. But it's a battle that I'm sure I'll be fighting my whole life.

Hopefully I can win this one. 

Green Light: Memory Jar

I realized that this is a little late but I wanted to post about my memory jar. This year 2013, my friends and I decided to create a "Happy Memory Jar". 

Everyday we would fill it with a note of something that made us happy that day. I am also adding a note with a song that I am really into that day, too. I know this is a little cliche but I thought it was super cute. My friend Rachel decorated a very cute little mason jar for my memories! 

Every year I look back and either think about all of the negative or just flat out don't remember what happened. I want 2013 to be something happy to look back on. 

Every year we each want a fresh start. So hopefully in 2014 when I look back on these memories I will have a fresh start with happy memories to push me forward. 

Red Light: Completely Unfair

Things with that guy I was talking about did not work out, as per usual with me. Just my luck! 

I confessed my feelings to him in a text message because I had finally gotten tired of wondering if he'd liked me. His response was... very illusive to say the least. He never gave me a direct answer just kinda said, "sorry for being mean and don't stop being friends with us". 'Us' being him and his roommates. 

After reading the text messages a few times, I finally had to deal with the disappointment of being wrong. And also the anger I felt for him leading me on being too nice of a guy. 

Really wish I wasn't so stupid and saw the signs. 

Like all girls, I shut down my feelings for him. I told him that nothing wqas going to change, but that's a huge ass lie. EVERYTHING changes. 

I obviously wouldn't feel the need to visit him at his house or seek him out in the crowd. He would get my attention when he would ask for it but there would be no affection or flirting from my end. 

I guess he took that as me 'ignoring him', which he accused me of this week. 

I think that this is completely uncalled for. Are you SERIOUS? how can you say I'm ignoring you, when all I am doing is being myself? 

He can't expect all of the attention and affection I gave when I had feelings for him, now when I don't feel anything. 

Ignoring is a very harsh word. 

I'd just go with...shit changes...