Intersection: Am I deserving?

Yesterday, my friends and I were watching Cruel Intentions and I couldn't help but notice the similarities between Ryan Philipe's character and myself.

Okay, I may not be sick and twisted teenager who manipulates people for amusement but I do feel undeserving of others peoples' kindness, affection, and even love.

It actually makes me uncomfortable at times. 

I mentioned in a previous post that boys acting like gentleman makes me uncomfortable but acting like a jerk makes me feel completely at ease. I'm pretty sure this is not how it's supposed to work.

I feel like I do not have the right to be swept off my feet. I don't feel like I am worth any effort. I'm just not that great of a catch. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew.

Maybe it's the fact that no boy ever has. It can also be because I feel like I don't deserve it, I end up pushing  it away.

Maybe it stems from my fear of being happy. I get terrified when things start to go really well in my life. I think I sabotage myself before life gets the chance to screw it up even more.

It's a silly thing to be a afraid of, and an even sillier thing to sabotage my own happiness because of it. But it's a battle that I'm sure I'll be fighting my whole life.

Hopefully I can win this one. 

Green Light: Memory Jar

I realized that this is a little late but I wanted to post about my memory jar. This year 2013, my friends and I decided to create a "Happy Memory Jar". 

Everyday we would fill it with a note of something that made us happy that day. I am also adding a note with a song that I am really into that day, too. I know this is a little cliche but I thought it was super cute. My friend Rachel decorated a very cute little mason jar for my memories! 

Every year I look back and either think about all of the negative or just flat out don't remember what happened. I want 2013 to be something happy to look back on. 

Every year we each want a fresh start. So hopefully in 2014 when I look back on these memories I will have a fresh start with happy memories to push me forward. 

Red Light: Completely Unfair

Things with that guy I was talking about did not work out, as per usual with me. Just my luck! 

I confessed my feelings to him in a text message because I had finally gotten tired of wondering if he'd liked me. His response was... very illusive to say the least. He never gave me a direct answer just kinda said, "sorry for being mean and don't stop being friends with us". 'Us' being him and his roommates. 

After reading the text messages a few times, I finally had to deal with the disappointment of being wrong. And also the anger I felt for him leading me on being too nice of a guy. 

Really wish I wasn't so stupid and saw the signs. 

Like all girls, I shut down my feelings for him. I told him that nothing wqas going to change, but that's a huge ass lie. EVERYTHING changes. 

I obviously wouldn't feel the need to visit him at his house or seek him out in the crowd. He would get my attention when he would ask for it but there would be no affection or flirting from my end. 

I guess he took that as me 'ignoring him', which he accused me of this week. 

I think that this is completely uncalled for. Are you SERIOUS? how can you say I'm ignoring you, when all I am doing is being myself? 

He can't expect all of the attention and affection I gave when I had feelings for him, now when I don't feel anything. 

Ignoring is a very harsh word. 

I'd just go with...shit changes...

Green Light: Refocusing

This past semester I was really focused on building my relationships and friendships with people. All I did was hang out at other people's houses, drinking, watching T.V., smoking, etc. 

I completely lost sight of ME this past semester. I didn't focus on getting good grades or going to the gym and I didn't even go out to dance practice. 

This break, I promise to try as hard as I can to work on myself. Mentally and emotionally by learning to love myself and keep my self-esteem up and physically by hitting the treadmill and toning up my body. 

I keep losing sight of me. That's going to change. Starting now.

Road Block: Speak no Evil, Hear no Evil

I have made this mistake a few times and you'd think after the first couple I'd learn my lesson and stop...

NOPE. I made the same mistake again, this time it cost me. 

I started liking a boy for the first time in a long time. He's cute, he's sweet and he's really funny. So of course, like every other girl in the world, I told my close friends. We all started talking about the details and dissecting every move that the two of you make, trying to answer the ultimate question. 

Does he like me too?

To me, deep down inside, I knew for sure. All the signs were there. He was reacting the EXACT same way I was reacting towards him...nervous, anxious, scared. 

But of course, everyone had mixed opinions, everyone filled me with doubt. Everyone told me what to do, what not to do, how I look like a fool, how I should just wear my heart on my sleeve, how I should back off. 

This drove me insane. 

I couldn't think of anything else. I ate, drank, slept, breathed this stupid question; I had to know the answer.

I couldn't take the insanity anymore. I went up to his roommate and asked him if I should give up on my pursuit. He unfortunately said, yes. 

After this I was of course disappointed, I gave up on my pursuit. I stopped talking and thinking about it. 

I had regained my sanity. 

But I noticed as I cooled off, he started heating up. Everything started falling into place once I stopped consulting other people. I didn't talk to anyone about all of the moves he was making and the texts we were exchanging, not even my best friend. I kept my mouth shut. 

I started losing all of my fear and gaining a lot of confidence. Deep down I knew the truth the whole time, I knew the answer to my own question. 

He liked me too. 

I let so many other people's judgments and opinions get in the way of something that I really wanted. Those people who gave me negative opinions really dragged me down. Fed fuel to the fire of my negativity, insecurity, and insanity. If I had just believed in myself and my own ability to read a situation, everything should have been in place. 

Everything now is good. I feel like we both know, we're just too afraid to say it out loud...

I am hoping I am not too late and everything works out perfectly as I imagine when I get back to school. But until something concrete happens, I will keep my mouth shut to the best of my ability. 

So, keep your fingers crossed for me! 

Speeding Ticket: Moving Too Fast

Why is it that people want to move so fast? We are never content with anything for too long. We always want "more" or "better" than what we have. Nothing is ever good enough.

What we need to remember is that what we imagine to be better, the things we strive for, could be worse.

Sit back, stop and smell the roses.

I definitely need to stop trying to force things to happen. I should let the flow of things happen and if they don't, remember that this is probably for the best!

Intersection: My Brithday

I'm turning 21 on Monday!

I'm actually excited about this! Not because it's my birthday or that I'll be getting gifts, attention, and wasted. No, I'm excited because I will finally be able to BUY my own alcohol. I won't have to ask someone to buy it for me.

After drinking for the past 4 years I am finally ready to be able to do it legally, it is LONG overdue.

I am not a big birthday person. My birthday just has never been that big of a deal to me. I don't like being the center of attention because I feel like it's just like any other day.

Weird, right?

I just like being surrounded by those I love and those who care about me.

Another Note

Every special occasion since Dan's accident has been really bitter sweet. This birthday especially was supposed to be significant between us. We would finally be able to drink together, legally.

Last year when the clocked struck midnight on my birthday, I had a break down.

He wasn't going to be there... he wasn't going to be sitting across from me at the dinner table that night.

All of the events that he wasn't going to be there for flashed through my mind and it was just down hill from there.

So, I'm kind of scared to go all out (drinking) on my birthday. I'm afraid I'm just going to become a crazy emotional wreck.

I guess we'll see...